Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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