Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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