He uses pillows to masturbate.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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