i would punch a child for taco bell
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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