there's paper in my vomit.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
