I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
