Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
