I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
