i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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