Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize