Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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