Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I will die if light touches me.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize