I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
