Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
