I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
