hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
