woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
