captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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