Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My pussy is not your playground.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
