At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
