I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
be right there i have to get my cape
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Drunk is a universal language darling
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
