I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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