bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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