My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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