Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
