no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Will exercising make me less horny?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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