I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
