Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
