Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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