dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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