dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
