just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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