thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
