The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
