My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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