even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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