Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
