That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize