She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
