i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
