Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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