Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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