All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
