True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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