I think I won the penis lottery.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
