listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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