Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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