I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
