ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
