tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
