It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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