Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
