That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
