i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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