I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
