Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
