When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
