I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
