I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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