It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
