I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
