Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
