he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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