All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
