The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
